Thursday, April 16, 2015

Perfect Candidate

Mary Sue Jobseeker
123 America Way
New York, NY 12345

Hiring Manager
Chocolate Teapots LLC
321 California Way
Los Angeles, CA 54321

Dear Hiring Manager:

I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am to be writing this letter. I am a very unique fit for your open position, as I’m sure you’ll soon see for yourself. As I pondered what approach I should use to format my resume and cover letter, it occurred to me that you will probably receive hundreds of resumes and cover letters. Since my work is mediocre at best, I knew I would need an “edge”; something to make me stand out among all the other candidates. Since I can’t point to a stellar record of being a rock star at work, I thought my best approach would be in sending you this perfectly centered cover letter. I figure it will be difficult to read so you’ll likely simply skim through it searching for key words. Did I mention I’m a team player? I also have mad multi-tasking abilities. For example, I’m writing this cover letter while simultaneously ignoring my manager’s calls, checking Facebook and listening to the most offensive radio show I can find to stream. (It keeps people out of my office and, consequently, I have less work to complete.) I may not be a star performer, but I always try to keep abreast of the most recent buzzwords. I consider myself to be a thought-leader and I have wonderful communication skills. You can check my Facebook feed to verify that. I regularly post scathing commentary that is vaguely accusatory while being obscure enough that no one really knows exactly who I’m pointing out. And because I’m such a positive person who works well independently or within a team, I always try to add, “just sayin’” at the end. You know, to kind of soften the blow. Which brings me to my next point: I am a natural leader. I doubt you’ll find someone more qualified than me to step right into a leadership role and really hit the ground running. Not that I’ve ever actually had a leadership role, I just know I’d do really well. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’d do a much better job than your current leadership. I mean, if they were doing a great job, surely this position wouldn’t have come open, am I right? I believe in managing with a firm hand. People tend to need to be treated like children in the workplace since they are completely unable to manage their own behavior.  I keep the peace by avoiding conflict and find that sending out e-mail blasts to everyone on staff to address issues seems to be the most effective way to handle unpleasant situations. In conclusion, I’d just like to reiterate that I’m, by far, the best candidate for your position and I’d like to set up a time to talk with you in person. Would Thursday at 9 work for you? I’ll call you then to follow-up so we can get that interview set up before some other employer snatches me up.  I’m actually a pretty hot commodity, so you don’t want to miss out. I look forward to working with you in the near future.


Mary Sue Jobseeker 

1 comment:

  1. WHOA giant wall O text! ;)

    Love your work Mary Sue!